What's Your Need for Control Really About?
WHAT’S YOUR NEED FOR CONTROL REALLY ABOUT?
If you’re someone who feels a need to have control, and this need can sometimes negatively impact relationships with others, it can be helpful to go deeper in understanding what might be driving this behavior so you can have more freedom in how you respond.
Notice The Ways Your Need For Control Comes Out
Take out a journal or make a note in your phone, and think of a time recently where you remember wanting to be in control of something. Write whatever comes to mind about it that you can remember. Often it’s wanting to be in control of how someone else does something, or how a situation you’re involved in will go. Maybe you think your partner should be in therapy, but he or she isn’t doing anything about it. Maybe you think your family member isn’t taking good enough care of their health and you think they should do something differently. Maybe you want to get married and your partner isn’t ready or your husband doesn’t want to spend money on something you do.
Whatever it is that you wanted to have some control over, how did you respond? Did you tell your partner what they should do, or threaten to leave them if they don’t marry you? Did you jump into action and find someone to take care of your family member even though they didn’t ask? Did you just spend the money and lie to your husband because you didn’t want to fight about it? Whatever you did, just notice it. There’s no judgement here. This is just to learn how you act or behave when you feel a need for control.
Investigate What You Were Feeling
Now, think of this situation again and try to identify, if you hadn’t acted or said what you did to take control, what feelings would you have had to sit with? If you’re having trouble identifying feelings, take a look at the list here as you think about the situation.
Often times, when we feel a need for control, there are some feelings that are difficult to sit with, such as fear, helplessness, or powerlessness. These are uncomfortable feelings, but instead of just sitting with and tolerate them, we take some action to “take control” and try not to feel them.
What Is It About For You?
Now that you’ve identified the feelings you would have had to sit with if you didn’t take the action you did, you have a better idea what your need for control is about. Maybe you learned you are scared of not getting your needs met, or you’re scared this might not be the right person for you, or you’re scared your family member might die from their illness if they don’t take care of themselves.
Feelings are unpleasant and difficult to sit with, but sitting with them is a skill you can develop to help you curb your impulse to control. Check out the Emotional Capacity tools for help with this. Sitting with them also helps you get underneath what’s going on, and to perhaps communicate with someone from feelings instead of with thoughts or with actions or directives. For help with communicating your feelings, check out Giving Feeling-Based Feedback.