Giving Feeling Based Feedback
GIVING FEELING-BASED FEEDBACK
Feeling-based feedback is what MBA students at the Stanford GSB are taught in the famous Interpersonal Dynamics course (where I’m a small group facilitator). They are told it will help them have influence as leaders and professionals, and the wisdom of this applies to all our personal and professional relationships.
To be able to give effective feeling-based feedback, we have to be able to identify and verbalize our feelings. If this is something that’s difficult for you, I’d recommend practicing some of the Emotional Capacity tools to strengthen your feeling “muscles” before trying this exercise.
When feedback is feeling-based, it invites conversation and connection. It’s meant to draw us closer to the other person, and not to meant push them away. Often people are afraid of giving feedback because we are worried we will hurt the other person, damage the relationship, or be viewed poorly, or maybe we’re not prepared to get feedback in return. These are all valid concerns and often come from things we learned in our histories growing up with our families, friends, and communities. If you’re worried about some of these concerns, you might find some of the Self-Value and Self-Compassion tools helpful, as well as some of the other Influence tools around your relationship with Anger and Control before trying this exercise.
Think of a situation where you’re having some difficult feelings with another person that are hard to share and talk about. Take out a notepad or journal or create a note in your phone to write down what comes to you.
Identify What You’re Feeling
Consider the categories of feelings as you contemplate what’s going on inside you. Are you having negative feelings such as anger, irritation, frustration, annoyance? Are you having positive feelings such as happiness, warmth, affection, appreciation? Or are you having vulnerable feelings such as hurt, jealousy, fear, sadness, shame, or feeling less than, inadequate or inferior?
The great thing about feelings is that we can have multiple feelings at the same time. So write them all down, even if they conflict with each other and if it doesn’t seem to make sense.
Identify the Specific Behavior That Evokes the Feeling
Next think about what is the observable behavior this person engaged in that contributes to you feeling this way. This is not a description of your opinion about them or what they are doing, or a character assault. This is observable behavior that anyone could describe who was able to witness the interaction.
Identify the Story You’re Telling Yourself About the Situation
Lastly, identify what’s the story you’re telling yourself in this situation. What’s the assumption you’re making, the piece you’re “adding” to it that’s not an observable fact that anyone would see, but is your own interpretation or lens that you bring to the situation.
Put together Using I statements
When you put these three things together, starting with I statements, examples might look like:
I feel scared (feeling) when you talk about taking that job (observable behavior) because I’m worried we won’t have enough money to live on (your story).
I feel hurt (feeling) when you don’t text me back (observable behavior) because I tell myself I’m not that important to you (your story).
I feel angry (feeling) when you cancel a meeting with me without acknowledging the impact on my schedule (observable behavior) because I believe you don’t care about me and my time (your story).
Practice, Practice, Practice
I want to acknowledge that this is a challenging skill to build and do well. It requires self-reflection and emotional capacities that take time and patience to build. Be patient with yourself. You will improve if you keep working at it. If you’re having a difficult time being patient with yourself, try some of the Self-Compassion tools. Find safe friends or relationships where you can practice this.