Update Your View of Anger
UPDATE YOUR VIEW OF ANGER
One emotion that gets a very bad rap is anger. People are terrified of it for so many reasons, and view it as a negative, destructive, hurtful emotion. It can be all those things when we don’t own it and express it responsibly and constructively, and get to know what it’s trying to tell us.
Anger gives us a clue into where we might have some unmet needs and gives us access to the energy and strength we need to assert ourselves, to say no, set limits, ask for what we need, both with ourselves and others. It also gives us access to our drive and ambition and helps us realize our desires. It’s a valuable source of information about who you are and what you want and need. If you just dismiss it as a “bad” emotion, you miss out on all the potential information it can help you understand about yourself and the energy for making change in your life.
Why Anger is Bad
Just take a minute and in a journal or note in your phone and think about all the reasons why anger is “bad.” Don’t hold back, just share everything that comes to your mind. Anger leads to violence. Anger hurts relationships. I will be abandoned if I get angry. Women aren’t supposed to get angry. When men get angry others get hurt. Anger is destructive. Anger is… Please just keep going. There are so many reasons we’ve been taught anger is bad. Allow yourself the space to acknowledge all of them.
What Gets You Angry
Now take a moment to write down all the things that get you angry. It’s helpful to think about our relationships, that’s often a great source of anger and frustration for many people. What has someone done recently that frustrated you? Are you feeling any resentments in your relationships? If so, what are they about? Maybe you can locate anger about something happening in the world right now. If so, what is that? If you have a hard time noticing anger, that’s normal. Since we are conditioned that anger is bad, some of us have learned to block it from our awareness. Sometimes if that’s the case, you might be able to locate some anger at yourself. What do you get frustrated with or hard on yourself about? This is just a noticing exercise. You don’t have to do anything, just let yourself notice what you get angry about, either with others or yourself, and write it down.
What Needs Might the Anger Be Telling You About?
Next, think about the things you identified that you feel angry or frustrated about, either with someone else or yourself and ask yourself, what need might this be telling me I have?
As human beings, we recognize we have basic physical needs (food, water, shelter, etc.), but we don’t often acknowledge we also have emotional and psychological needs that are just as important for our survival as our physical needs. Some of these emotional and psychological needs include (but are not limited to):
Feeling safe, physically and emotionally
Feeling a sense of belonging
Getting positive attention
Feeling seen, heard and understood
Feeling known
Feeling prioritized and important
Feeling loved and cared for
Feeling valuable and worthy
Receiving emotional comfort
Feeling acknowledged and appreciated
Receiving physical affection and comfort
Feeling supported and encouraged
Feeling respected
For example, if you feel angry that your partner is always looking at their phone when you’re at dinner, you might be tapping into a need for their attention, or a desire to feel seen and heard or acknowledged. If you feel angry when someone cancels at the last minute but doesn’t give you notice, you might be needing to feel respected and cared for, or need to feel important and a priority. If you’re angry about the state of the world right now, you might be needing to feel physically safe.
You don’t have to do anything about the needs you identified, just notice that perhaps your anger or frustration is letting you know about an unmet need. Consider letting yourself see anger as an emotion that can help you identify your needs.