Sitting With Your Feelings
sitting with your feelings EXERCISE
Sitting with feelings is the emotional capacity tool that is often the most difficult for people and is one of the most important to having greater emotional capacity. Being able to regulate your emotions - which means to feel them, name them, soothe yourself, and not act impulsively on them, and perhaps be thoughtful about how you act on them, all require being able to sit with them and name them first.
Some people would rather do anything else I suggest than sit with feelings. I have a lot of empathy for that. Sitting with discomfort is not easy. It takes time and patience to develop the muscles to sit with uncomfortable feelings. And the self-compassion muscle is key here. We can’t sit with our feelings if we are relating to ourselves harshly about them. So if you doubt your ability to sit with your feelings with compassion, go back and do some self-compassion work before you try this.
Many people ask me, what does sitting with feelings even mean?
Picture A Young Child Who’s Upset
I encourage you to imagine how you might sit with a young child who came to you very upset about something. Close your eyes, and picture a 5, 6, 7 year old little one. It can help to even imagine yourself at that age, feeling the upset feelings you’re having.
If I asked you to sit with and comfort that child, what might you do to comfort them?
You probably tell them to come sit next to you, you might even have them sit on your lap. You’d say soothing and reassuring things to them like “I’m right here, you’re okay, we’ll figure this out together,” “I know you’re upset, it’s going to be okay,” or “It is scary, and I see how scared you are right now, but I’m right here and you’re not alone.” You might hug/hold them, stroke their hair. You’d listen to them very closely, with care and tenderness. You’d breathe. And you’d notice that fairly quickly, they feel better and pretty soon they are off and ready to start playing again.
Sit With Your Own Feelings As You Would This Young Child
Now call to mind a situation that’s causing you some emotional distress or discomfort. Try to picture yourself as that 5, 6, 7 year old kid who’s having these feelings. Imagine he/she just came into the room. A way to emulate them sitting on your lap and holding them would be to get yourself in a physically comfortable position, and perhaps put your hand on your own heart or arm as a way of offering physical comfort. Now try to share some phrases to yourself about the feelings. “It’s okay that you’re angry and upset about this,” or “I know you’re scared and I’m right here, we’re going to get through this together,” or “I am so sorry you’re going through this, I really care about this suffering.” And breathe. Take some slow, long, deep breaths. Feel the feeling in your body as you’re breathing. Notice the tightness in your chest, the clench in your jaw. On the outbreath, try to soften the area. Keep moving between saying kind things, holding your heart and arm, and breathing. Do this for 5-10 min. Notice how you feel afterwards.
Feelings come in waves and if you give yourself the space to feel them, they often pass. They may return, and return and return, and that’s also normal. As you return and return to sitting with them, you can begin to investigate what’s going on inside for you.