ARE YOUR NEEDS BEING MET?

If you're a people-pleaser, like many of the folks in my practice, chances are, the answer is no.

Many people-pleasers I work with are in touch with their need to feel helpful to others. They see that as a part of their identity, they like this about themselves, they value how helpful they are. 

I'm not saying helping other people isn't valuable. Heck, I'm a psychologist, so I can join all of you who feel good about yourselves when you are helping. I love helping others!

And, when any of us relies too much on one way of feeling good about ourselves, especially one that depends on other people, it can lead to distress.

People-pleasers were emotionally trained, by their families of origin, friends, romantic partners, a society at large to focus on other people's needs as a way to feel safe, loved and valuable. 

So in the process, people-pleasers have been trained to not know what they need.

Usually what I see happen, is people-pleasers stumble upon their needs sideways. 

Often after they've been giving and giving and giving, hoping someone will notice and give back to them the same way. 

And when the return giving doesn't happen, they suddenly end up burnout, exhausted, frustrated and resentful.

Sound familiar?

I get it. I do the same thing sometimes. You're not alone.

So what's a people-pleaser to do?

Learn what your needs are and start taking steps to get them met.

How the heck do you do that when you've been trained your entire life to focus on other people's needs?

The first step is to start paying attention.

If your attention is always on other people in a conversation, situation, relationship, whether it's work, romance, parents, friends, just start noticing that's where your attention is going in these relational situations. 

It's a little like money. If you don't know where your money is going (groceries, shoes, travel), you can't make a different choice about how you want to spend it. 

Your attention is as valuable a resource to having the life you want as your money (I'd even go so far as to say more valuable...).

You don't need to do anything different yet with your attention. Keep worrying about other people, talking about other people, obsessing about how they are doing, how they are going to react, what they might say, etc. Don't stop that at all.

The act of noticing that your attention goes to other people is the first step to making a different choice about where you put that attention. 

Once you can see how much your attention is going to pleasing other people, making them happy, what they need and want, you can start to turn that back towards yourself and wonder - what would make you happy, what you might want, what you might need?

Learning what your needs are and how to get them met emotionally in relationships is a critical component to what you learn about and get to practice in the laboratory of group therapy. 

If you want to learn more about how group therapy can help you understand your needs and how to get them met, there are still a few spaces in my "Taste of Group Therapy" event tomorrow, October 25 at 4:15pm PST (7:15pm EST). I hope to see you there.